ISO Alexandra and Peace: The everyday truth about loss and healing from a grieving mom

My First Blog -On the road to achieving my new goal in my new normal -Writing

Easter is coming. When I walk thru the stores and see the shelves filled with smiling bunnies, chewy peeps, chocolate eggs and stuffed bunnies, my eyes well up with sadness.  Easter Sunday 2016,  I made my Alex her favorite dinner: honey baked ham, scalloped potatoes and green beans.  She wore her pretty pink dress because as she said, “I wanted to look pretty for you mom”.  I had a strange feeling that day and remember peeling the potatoes with love and care cause it was for my sweet girl and after all the heartache we both had been through, I wanted it to be special.  After dinner and a disturbing conversation, I put her in an uber to take her home.  I never saw my beautiful daughter alive again.  She committed suicide a week later.

For almost a year now, I’ve been wanting to write this blog about these feelings of complete despair, absence, searching, heartache, regrets, what if’s, shoulda, coulda, woulda’s.  With Easter just around the corner, and the warm weather coaxing the Spring flowers to bloom, I decided now would be a good time to start.

I took a walk this morning in this glorious sunshine. Exercise is critical right now to get the blood flowing in my recently repaired right shoulder, as well as boosting my mood.  I’m just sad everyday and I have to sometimes remind myself why I’m sad.  After the initial shock and grief of losing a loved one, there’s always a nagging hole in one’s heart and mind when you attempt to do any “normal” activities that make you happy.  This hole just invades your soul and ability to truly enjoy the moments. Normal - that word demands several blogs to comprehend.  Happy is another one of those vague realities.

Normal activities that make me feel better are painting, pilates, exercise, cooking, gardening and redecorating my house.  But since my right arm is out of commission, I can’t do any of these things, and this adds to my fight to stay positive and hopeful that life can be good again.  I have been fortunate to have loyal and loving friends and family. But one must be able to boost their sense of accomplishments and contributions on one’s own.

I am generally a happy, very positive, strong minded character.  When there’s a will, indeed there is a way. Got that from my dear mom.  So, in my fight to stay positive, I decided to try to paint with my left hand. Hell, I already achieved opening a wine bottle, fluffing my now very short hair, and sautéing food, with my left hand.  I also have learned to do pilates with no shoulder strain!  Progress indeed.  My first left handed subject today:  Alex of course.  Tried to paint..but couldn’t unscrew the easel shelf to remove the old canvas.  Set backs. So I pulled out the sketch pad and pastels and started this way. Crazy.  Who knows, maybe it’ll end up at the Louvre.  A good attempt, a good start, another step to staying positive.